Nice Guys Finish First!

Humbling.  Yep, that’s the one word I would choose above all others to capture the experience of parenting.  Every other word – at least within my limited vocabulary – seems inadequate or too narrow, leading us to choose between overt superlatives (amazing, incredible, fantastic, rewarding), and noteworthy cynicisms (challenging, trying, fatiguing, frustrating).  For me, humbling captures the full range of parenting’s greatest difficulties and greatest joys.

Understanding the secret behind our parental joys is easy: we love our children with an emotional passion like no other.  On the other hand, the explanation of our parental difficulties is a bit more complicated since it’s wrapped in a permanent contradiction that seems almost impossible to reconcile.  And that contradiction is this: as parents it’s our primary duty to slowly but surely push our children further from dependence on us towards their own independence, and yet as parents it’s also our natural instinct to want to nurture, comfort, protect and hold onto our children as long as we can.  Thus our primary duty as loving parents instinctively saddens us.  That kind of stinks.  But as the saying goes, nobody said it would be easy.

And if that emotional contradiction wasn’t challenging enough for all of us, I realized a while ago that there was yet another sobering aspect to this calling:  parenting is hard to become good at, since the game is always changing.  Just when you think you might have this whole 3-year-old-kid thing down to a science, the little stinker goes and turns 4 on you.  And as my wife and I are fully engaged in the teenager years, we realize that the handbook for 15-year-olds is completely different for 16-year-olds (as if there are really any handbooks at all). 

In my own wonderfully humbling experience of parenting, I’ve constantly searched for advice, information, successful models and anything else that would provide answers to the question of how to be a good parent.  Like anyone else, my sources included books, articles, advice from parenting counselors and, of course, the examples of my own parents.  Through it all I have often wondered if the “Nice Guy” principles of managing, coaching and leading others has any application to the “best practice” techniques of parenting.  And others have asked me this question as well.  The answer seems undeniably to be, yes.

I’m no parenting expert, that’s for sure.  If I were, I probably wouldn’t have chosen the word humbling to describe the experience.  But I couldn’t help notice the many parallels between the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard or read about, and the best advice on how to motivate employees, athletes and students  (or – just as importantly – how not to do so).  Consider the advice espoused by parenting experts, including Bernie Ivin, who has lectured frequently on a parenting approach he calls “Relationship Centered Parenting.”   

First, Ivin and others claim that as parents we far too often resort to “coercive” parenting techniques to try and get our children to do what we would like them to do (or to stop doing something).  As you might guess, these “coercive” tactics sound very similar to the same mistakes that we often make when coaching or managing others, such as nagging, yelling, threatening, humiliating and other “strong-arm” tactics.  They work short-term since fear is a great motivator, but as Dale Carnegie pointed out, the criticism often incurs lasting resentment. 

Second, Ivin insists (as social scientist B.F. Skinner’s “Reinforcement Theory” proved) that  positively or negatively reinforcing children’s behaviors to achieve desired outcomes is far more effective than the general tactic of punishment.  In other words, to achieve the desired outcomes we are better served as parents by using a combined system of positive reward (e.g., granting privileges for good behaviors) and negative reinforcement (e.g., withholding privileges until the desired behavior is achieved) versus employing purely punitive measures.  In the business world, the scientific research by organizational behavioralists validated that this same Skinner model was more effective in motivating employees as well.

Third, Ivin and most other experts say that, on the other hand, we can’t fall victim to “permissive” parenting, where we fail to set boundaries, limitations and employ “reinforcement” consequences.  He offers that such a failure has both short-term and long-term implications.  We also know that the best motivation for teams and organizations relies on clear and consistent setting of goals and expectations.  As a human race, we respond well to that basic structure.

Fourth, Ivin believes that the best thing we can do to become effective parents is to engage in “self mastery.”  This is where we have a great understanding of our own strengths and weaknesses, and develop a strong command over our emotions towards our kids, especially anger and frustration (no kidding!).   Again, when it comes to leading, motivating and working with others in any team or organizational setting, the common denominator for success is being able to command self control over one’s own emotions and ego. 

 Finally, every parenting expert talks about the value of the “relationship,” and establishing that delicate – and sometimes elusive – balance between being an authoritative figure to your children while still relating to them on their youthful terms.  Some have referred to this relationship as establishing the “empathic envelope,” where we don’t have to agree with all of the generational differences, but we at least have to understand them.  As a coach or business leader, striking that same delicate balance with players or workers may not be quite as challenging, yet it certainly is just as valuable.

I realize that I may be stretching the correlations between parenting best practices and the best practices of managing and working with others.  But while it may not be a perfect match, I just couldn’t help notice the many similarities between them.  After all, in general we are still talking about interpersonal relationships.  Although I do have to concede, when it comes to interpersonal relationships the parent-child relationship exists in a class all its own, with nothing more challenging – or rewarding.  I guess that’s why I find it all so very humbling.