Nice Guys Finish First!

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything.  And that is by making the other person want to do it.”

Seventy five years ago, a man named Dale Carnegie wrote that statement in a book he titled, How To Win Friends And Influence People.  It was written in the opening paragraph of a chapter called, “The Big Secret of Dealing With People,” a title that – despite its simplicity - is still enormously compelling and intriguing today.  After all, who among us wouldn’t want to learn “the big secret of dealing with people?” 

There isn’t much we do of any significance in our lives that doesn’t involve “dealings” with other people.  Our goals, our ambitions and, of course, our relationships all hinge on our interpersonal involvement with others.  Carnegie’s assertions on the subject of dealing with other people were therefore both brilliant and obvious: to achieve your goals and personal happiness, you had to be good with people, and especially good at influencing them to your way of thinking.

Consider how much time we spend trying to turn others to our way of thinking and getting others to do what we want them to do.  We tend to think of this primarily as a leadership challenge for managers, supervisors and coaches, which it certainly is.  But the ability to influence others is a universal necessity for all relationships.  We need our kids to do their homework, hang up their wet towels and pick up their smelly laundry.  We want our significant others to help with the chores or accompany us to places they hate.  We need our co-workers to support our ideas or dedicate time to our personal projects.  We need our bosses to approve our recommendations.  The ability to influence others is clearly essential to achieving so much of what we want in our lives.  So what’s the “big secret” to all this?  Carnegie pegged it; “…making the other person want to do it.”

When it comes to motivating others, coercion has long been a popular and somewhat effective tool, unfortunately.  Fear and intimidation will work to get other people to do stuff, especially when it comes from a position of authority.  But as Carnegie pointed out 75 years ago, coercive practices are limited in their effectiveness and applicability, and come with serious side effects, like causing lasting resentment, disloyalty, poor self esteem and – ultimately – low motivation.  So he preached his “secret” to all who would listen – “arouse in others an eager want.”

To do so, Carnegie outlined nine essential principles for effectively influencing others and getting others to change their attitudes and behaviors (by getting them to want to do so).  They seem to hold up against the test of time.  So I’ll leave you with them.

1)      Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2)      Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3)      Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4)      Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

5)      Let the other person save face.

6)      Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.

7)      Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8)      Use encouragement.  Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9)      Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Words to live by…literally.